FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
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Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
“The Perfect Relationship”
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
You can’t outrun your problems…
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room