Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What do you want for your birthday?

12yo: I don’t know

Me, jokingly: Drugs?

12yo: Nah, too expensive

Me:

King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.

My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.

So, lemme get this straight…

Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??

This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.

Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday

“Don’t make things all about you for once…”

My mother says hi.

I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.

Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.

People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?

Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.

[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*

“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”

– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726

What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?

My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.

I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time

I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal

M: so I’ve been thinking

*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*

“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter

Me: *rips pants bending over*

Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!

Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.

Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*

Me: *dies*

DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool

why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille

I fell in love with a female electrician.

…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.

Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.

If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.

WHAT DO WE WANT!!!

A cure for hangovers

WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!

Please stop yelling

Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.