G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
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“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Me going back to a library branch I used to work at to pick something up
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Me when I’m ovulating
