Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:

Sup

Hello dear

Thanks for the follow!

Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?

I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.

police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes

Telling everyone I’m premed…

(short for premeditating their murder)

If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta

ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u

I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….

True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.

friend: make her feel wanted

me: okay

[later]

me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target

stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them

Boss: Where were you on Friday?

Me: It was a holiday.

Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!

Me: It is if you go as Christmas.

Boss:…

The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak

You’ve got some nerve

~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window

Kids: the floor is lava!

Me: *slowly rolls off couch*

Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me

Me: OMG just get in the shower

My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.

What a year we’ve had this week.

Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful

Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow

I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.

My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting

[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”

My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.

The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.

first you must answer his riddles

I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.

It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.

Judge: how do you plead?

Me: like this 🙏

You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.

That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”

“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”