[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
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Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
“Do you have vegan options?”
“I’m a black belt in tofu!”
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Everyone’s family
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Blocked: 1985
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Can’t. Being lazy.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
A friend sent me this.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.