Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Looking good, Kim! #LNSM

I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.

when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by

Brb taking my potted plant for a walk

“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”

Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.

Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.

god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate

bob: karen!

god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi

me: my new book is fantastic

friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?

me: you can’t color it in twice

Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.

How to get a job on Game of Thrones:

Q: Can you act?

A: Sorta

Q: Will you get naked?

A: Yes

HIRED!

i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life

You got this…

I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.

well, guess what, Brianne?

Happy 25th anniversary

Tell Dad I said hi

[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*

Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin

if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected

Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this

Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no

[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]

ME: there’s gotta be a better way!

WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass

Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store

me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are

cellmate: i wish

Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40

Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”

Me: “Wait, what do they say?”

Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.

My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.

Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.

[at the movies]

me: thank god it’s over

her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog

me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT

Me: I’m so tired.

Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.

Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.