[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
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I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Fuck cryptocurrency I want cryptidcurrency
I wanna buy illegal shit off the dark web with pictures of Bigfoot
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
No. YOU-buprofen.