Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.

So after 75 long days, this week is finally over

It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?

Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?

[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.

DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU

When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.

me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this

brain: even people who know you?

me: oh god no

Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.

All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘

One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.

me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”

Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it

You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.

Give me the unsend button you stupid bird

JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶

ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??

JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶

ME: Ah. Carry on.

Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.

Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?

I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”

I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life

My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”

At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.

Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.

Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo

I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.

If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.

Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.

Speak now or ever hold your peace

As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.

ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.

“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”

BRAIN: Excellent.

Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.