Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line

Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.

Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?

Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly

Murderers are so stupid. Stop writing manifestos you idiots.

Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.

Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.

Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.

make up your mind

2020: Everyone needs to count their steps every day!
2025: How walking is actually killing you.

I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.

bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast

This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead

i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business

adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck

The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.

My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024

Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.

[first day in a hair band]

Singer: you’re bald

Me: yes, I lied on my resume

My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.

It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.

Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.

It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.

Genie: I grant you three wishes.

Bob: I want to be rich.

Genie: Granted.

Rich: I want a lot of money.

Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.

When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.

It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it

My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.

How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.

I block people for being stupid.

…I block a lot of people.