Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
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“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent