Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.

Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.

Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.

“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.

If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.

Girl seeing my torn jeans

Where’d you get those?!

*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*

The Gap.

*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”

[Arriving to cult meeting]

Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?

Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.

(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all

Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.

I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.

whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.

ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking

This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would

*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…

911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.

Me: I WASNT READY

Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.

What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?

Why ‘airport KFC’ and not ‘Kentucky Fried Check-In’?

So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.

[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see

me: everything has bluetooth these days

dentist: no ya that’s not normal

The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.

trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls

Those who do not remember the past are doomed to lose on Jeopardy.

some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”

Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency

You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.

•a lion stalks a fawn•

•a man steps out from behind tree•

I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?