Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch

careful fellas!

when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.

Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be

Me: in a duck costume

Kurt Cobain: not like that

Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure

Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK

*guy getting eaten by a shark*

Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.

Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.

parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are

this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what

Blew out my flip flop…

every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box

Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.

Metabolism:

Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.

2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.

Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid

Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-

Me: the bottom half

Waiter: very good, sir

When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly

I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.

I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.

Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.

The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.

I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.

Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻

This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it

Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Requesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it

The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up

“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“

Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.

Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me

Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes

Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-

Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one

Me:

Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards

Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety