Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
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My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Bootstraps
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?