[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
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ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Welcome to parenting — the only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
kids play hide and seek like
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.