Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there

wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust

me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?

Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.

thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation

The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”

“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain

There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.

“time flies” then why the hell is it still January bro

[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospital

son: is it because she works there as a doctor?

me: *long pause* yes

son: stop doing this

If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.

King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again

King’s horses:

My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.

I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before

[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it

Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Funeral Director: Please leave sir

These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.

Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.

I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.

[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here

the events of babygirl are so interesting to me. i wish new york was real

a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week

ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.

A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.

If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:

iDied.

Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.

Ah to hear the music of the angles!

Sorry I disappeared from our zoom

I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe

Thursday, 4:01pm

“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”

If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar

You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse