[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
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If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
You got this…
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Traveler’s camo
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.