Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one

My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?

A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.

That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.

Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*

Sheriff: can i help you son?

Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?

It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.

Excel sheet: People hate me.

Fitted sheet: Join the club.

birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?

Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce

They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out

Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate

Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What

Holy moly

Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.

Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.

If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.

I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.

listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time

My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.

This is not the motherhood I envisioned.

just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf

PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band

ME: Ok

[later at gym]

ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*

“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly

“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100

A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!

You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.

Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Two Dough Nuts.

When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.

I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.

Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.