*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
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Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look