@AnOrangeSNES

Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label

WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY

“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”

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@JB4Realz

[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.

@AmericanGent69

Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.

@malt_skull

major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already

@ghostkrogh

me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up

@LADaddy

We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.

@CeruleanGates

Boss pissed me off at work today

Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early

@jessokfine

Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!

Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.

@juliussharpe

The gun range is great practice for being attacked by a paper target.

@leftarmisme

Kid being grounded in 1978:

YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.

Kid being grounded in 2018:

YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.

@MissHavisham

I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.