@AnOrangeSNES

Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label

WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY

“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”

Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label

WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY

“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”

- @AnOrangeSNES

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@Dutch_50

Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!

@JTQuest

Men think of arguments as single isolated events. Women, in my experience, think of them as installments in some sort of perpetual continuum

@AlanFelyk

“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner

@StrawburyDelite

Damn Shakira is doing Activia commercials too now. With all that belly dancing, you’d think she’d be able to shit. Who knew.

@InternetHippo

[my alma mater, the school that took fifty thousand dollars from me, scores a point in the basketball tournament]
me: WOOOOOOO

@NYC_Blonde

Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?

@chuuew

The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.

@squirrel74wkgn

Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?

(takes off rubber glove)

“You can pull up your pants now.”