Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
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my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
When libraries troll their patrons.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.