Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.

She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza

ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it

why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait

The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.

Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.

Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.

(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense

Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.

Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.

Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.

Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…

“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”

*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*

Wife: OH MY GOD

*slams brakes*

Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture

Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”

My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.

My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”

Me: We should get a bigger car.

Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?

Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.

What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂

“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day

“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem

Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!

Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.

When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?

The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.

So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma

Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”

Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”

Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.

“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”

– Me, camping

The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.