Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
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[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
“Done the ad yet?”
“Yes, it’s already up.”
“Great. And you remembered the names of all the dinosaurs?”
“More or less”
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
The Others (2001)
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”