Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
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You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.