Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
You Might Also Like
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.