Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.

I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.

Pescaterian: eats fish

Pestcaterian: eats insects

Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character

Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.

*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one

ME: I got you a therapy cat

WIFE: THAT’S A LION!

ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach

If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!

[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls

struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]

Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.

My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.

10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.

[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT

My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t

10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.

[news anchor]

“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”

Me: Did-

Wife: Your blood pressure is fine

I told you these spanx were too tight.

-my tombstone

I don’t actually have to be rich I just need access to the parallel universe where I already am rich and just borrow money from me. What am I gonna say no? I wouldn’t, but that’s just me and sometimes I surprise myself.

The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.

me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?

Twitter: absolu-

Twitter algorithm: no.

I get it laundry no one is doing me either

Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.

Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.

Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now

It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly

one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king

I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”

What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat

What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!

NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too

ME: Thoughts and bears

NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–

ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope

I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help

I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.

Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.

I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.