Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.

The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate

Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.

landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent

me: can you tell my boss that

Not my fault if the kids give up too soon

Them: The children are our future.

The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]

My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate

Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.

[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”

you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*

me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*

I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.

When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.

The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.

Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!

Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?

A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!

Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me

“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”

“Covid.”

“Toddlers.”

“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”

-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch

lmfao come on

explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no

I would totally waterboard you.

-me flirting

me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?

psychic: ok I’ll tell you

me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?

psychic: no I’m pretty confident

Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.

I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.

Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.

My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice

I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.

Yeah I do yoga.

Ninja Yoga.

I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.

Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.

Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”

{job interview}

Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?

Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty

Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*