Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at funeral]

My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-

*casket is lowered into the ground*

-he was down to earth.

Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.

Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?

When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.

Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.

I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’

I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’

That boy is a future diplomat.

This bank app is great for checking account activity!

Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.

Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.

Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.

Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.

*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”

*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*

Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.

I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.

I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.

me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?

coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night

Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?

It was about a week back…

(Slaps knee!)

one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’

I love her

Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.

I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.

[Flirting]

I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.

When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body

[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards

Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.

*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.

My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.

Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.

THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.

Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch

2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever

*hears giggling kids

7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!

Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?

interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?

me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time