Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.

me: what was the hearing for?

lawyer: WHAT?

me: the hearing.

lawyer: WHAT?

*puts my mental health in rice

Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes

Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.

I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow

Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.

Me *texting* I found a genie!

Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid

Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what

My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard

But only one at a time because quarantine

*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!

When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.

“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft

Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]

“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.

“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”

*the man grating parmesan stops*

“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce

TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.

Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?

TSA: ….

Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.

A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.

If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too

What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?

[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy

By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?

Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices

Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.

An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.

4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?

Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.

4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.

Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life

On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.

Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..

I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human

The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.