[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
You Might Also Like
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
How do horror writers compete with current events?
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
I will never be a cocomelon parent you gone sit here n watch the wire season 4
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
I’ve been locked out of Tinder because of “unusual activity”. I must’ve got a match.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.