Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*at July 4th cookout*

3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?

Me: [explains the concept of a country]

3:

3: So where is she? Does America have legs?

Me:

I don’t judge you when you make a typo.

I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.

Then I judge you.

Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse

People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.

Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.

*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the

TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it

not feeling fergalicious today, actually feeling pretty fergasgusting rn

Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.

They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.

the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.

I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..

I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.

THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.

Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.

Cause I think it does.

Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship

Him: You’ll be sorry

Me: I sure hope so

Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on

Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no

[First day as a henchman in a video game]

Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?

I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?

Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

COW: Was I speeding?

COP: No

COW: Is it because I’m a c–

COP: It’s because you’re a cow.

[Camping]

Her: You didn’t bring food?

Him: No

Her: Or toilet paper?

Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?

Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha

Noah: [door lock noise]

What are some weird things about living in the modern world?

I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.

Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.

Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown

Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-

Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist

If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?

You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?

Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.

Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?