Gallant is a goddamn psychopath.
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GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
being hungover on weekends is inefficient, you should wake up early on weekends and live your life. you should only drink heavily on weeknights so you can recover from your hangovers while on the clock at work
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Growing out my freckles.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired