Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Job Interview]

How would you describe your time management skills?

Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.

Every now and then someone comes into your life that just makes you wanna sweep the leg

I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”

Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human

My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?

Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable

They should develop AI that can translate bird calls.
Call it ChatCheepyT

Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.

Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.

“Are you going to finish that?”

-takes a tantrum from a toddler

One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.

I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.

Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever

I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.

This sounds more like an accusation than a question.

When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it

Overheard, my kids-

7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda

*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year

“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”

Her: No filter!

Me: Add one tho

“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”

*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color

Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.

Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.

Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.

My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.

I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition

ㅤ

Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.

I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.

Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.