(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
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My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
not for long
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
pls suprot
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic