@AimeeHelene1

(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)

Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.

Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.

Group: *all rushing to place bets*

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@BoomBoomBetty

My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.

@KelgoreTrout

the easiest way to distinguish between their/there/they’re is to remember that they are all different words

@thinkcomedy

A baby’s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear. Unless it’s 3am. And you’re home alone. And you don’t have a baby

@rickolantern

Me: Was this product tested on animals?

Clerk: Yes.

Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!

Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.

@XOperfectmessXO

You’re like a dressing room

You make me want to take my clothes off and try things

@Sir_Strange

“No pressure, but my happiness is totally dependent on you.”

– soulmates

@Scdavis24

You’re the reason why I wake up every morning…

Just kidding, I have to go to work.

@david8hughes

[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”

@LoveNLunchmeat

MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.