@AimeeHelene1

(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)

Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.

Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.

Group: *all rushing to place bets*

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@shawnspree

Is this the movie where a down and out coach is given a chance of a lifetime to turn these nobodies and misfits into a winning team?

@whatmaddness

[yoga]

INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*

@lil_dead_girl_

You don’t realize how much you miss someone until they come back from the dead.

@TheDairylandDon

Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.

@LostFelicia

I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.

@JulieSnark

Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.