My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
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the easiest way to distinguish between their/there/they’re is to remember that they are all different words
A baby’s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear. Unless it’s 3am. And you’re home alone. And you don’t have a baby
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
You’re like a dressing room
You make me want to take my clothes off and try things
“No pressure, but my happiness is totally dependent on you.”
You’re the reason why I wake up every morning…
Just kidding, I have to go to work.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.