Nicki Minaj knows we can see her, right?
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
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Is this the movie where a down and out coach is given a chance of a lifetime to turn these nobodies and misfits into a winning team?
Canada’s weather be like
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
You don’t realize how much you miss someone until they come back from the dead.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.