Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk

Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

you shouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow if the mayor is getting arrested

When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”

Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.

Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.

I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!

Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.

Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.

Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.

Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?

Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.

They won’t ask again.

2: Mommy!!

Me: Yes?

2: NOOOOOOOOO!

the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be

A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.

I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur

When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard

My second thought is virgin wizard

“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve

my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.

8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?

Me: Not since you were born.

Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist

It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.

I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.

Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not

Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.

girl: wanna have car sex?

me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler

Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day

Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING

Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas

I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.

[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]

We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.