Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
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Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.
i know this now.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
I really miss my family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.