Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

marvel comics have peaked

If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?

Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.

That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.

UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay

A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot

I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.

{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?

Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*

*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*

Genie: please don’t w-

Me: I wish for a third kite

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.

coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]

Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.

Husband: It just happened.

Me: But it was in the past.

Husband: It was five minutes ago.

Me: In. The. Past.

Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.

LIBRARIAN: yes over there

ME: do u have any books on time travel

Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.

No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.

Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go

Bad Batman: Ben Affleck

[Annual Review]

Boss: how do you think you performed this year?

Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.

Boss: you’re fired.

Me: This is such an accrual profession.

Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:

1. if they stop swimming

2. if they accidentally eat a grenade

if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you

I thought this was funny lol

Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.

me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting

clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that

*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”

*never speaks to you again *

If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.

hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)

I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre

One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.

I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box