Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.

When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated

I saw this ending much differently.

Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐

Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.

…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.

Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!

Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.

Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.

When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch

MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year

BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water

got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity

It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.

squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago

Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.

Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.

Me: I didn’t say he was interested

I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.

10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house

This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”

boss: you’re fired

me: [pausing tiktok] why

[inventing napkin dispenser]

bob: it has two settings

ceo: ok

bob: one at a time

ceo: ok

bob: or 37 at a time

ceo: first of all i love it

If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer

H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?

M: Can I wear my tiara?

H: I’d rather you not

M: Then no thanks

[husband leaves]

M: *whispers* works every time

When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.

“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”

Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza

I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.

“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!

I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment

Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on

My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.

They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”