Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die

just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you

Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet

“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”

The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.

A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away

Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.

[ interview at funeral home ]

director: are you ok being around death

me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes

WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale. 
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*

Me: Here’s half my income.

Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.

One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.

Hallelujah started playing at church today

Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song

Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.

Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.

23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?

MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!

EVERYONE: *gasps*

ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird

I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.

BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?

Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.

To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it

The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.

Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.

Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead

[before calculus was invented]

me: I understand everything

[olive garden]

HOST: when you’re here you’re family

DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes

Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs

*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?

(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?

Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.

-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.

We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”

I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀