[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
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My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
My Guy
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*