Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
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Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
What
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Going into Monday like
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Your soulmate is too smart to date you
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
I was on a sofa next to my wife who was eating a snack and typing on her phone, I heard my phone ringing in the kitchen where I was charging it so I went to check it …
The SMS was from my wife, she wrote “Bring me a drink on your way back”
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.
You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names