Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
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I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉