Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
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I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.