Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out

[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave

Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g

I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.

today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants

[Conditioning my hair in the shower]

Me: *rings bell*

My hair: *salivates*

what if we kissed on the garfield couch

me choking on my own saliva for no reason.

I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”

how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did

I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It

Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.

salesman: you’ll like this car

me: how many dogs fit in it

salesman: how many what

me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before

Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?

Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.

I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.

Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?

16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?

I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸

3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is

“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.

She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.

The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene

#dnd

INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?

ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off

mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth

my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:

Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more

[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree

Jupiter

Sometimes you need to hug someone out…

…cold.

date: you look nice

me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate

I would love to have children one day. Two days maximum

Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!

Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?

Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.