Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.

therapist: describe this picture

me: that’s my father yelling at me

therapist: and this one

me: you having sex with my wife

therapist: and this one

me: aren’t these normally ink blots

It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four

Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine

SNAIL: I’m a turtle?

GOD: No, you’re a snail

SNAIL: I have a shell

GOD: Yup

SNAIL: and I move really slowly

GOD: Yeah, all the time

SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?

GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing

My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”

[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!

You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run

This concludes your parenting course.

Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.

I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”

Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.

*receives text from wife

“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.

30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.

I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings

My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées

I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks

the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”

Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.

Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter

doctor: any allergies?

me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.

Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.

Phonetics

[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD

I am, perchance

“You’ve got a friend in me.”

– Cannibals, probably

They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.

me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way