Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
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[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!