Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
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Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose