game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
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I wish you could comment on Zillow.
Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”
The comment section would be very entertaining
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
A male goth is called a broth.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumbMe at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness