game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
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I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”