Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”

Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.

Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.

When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.

went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”

May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date

When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”

The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?

Wonder which of us he was referring to?

Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.

Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone

Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.

I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on

The funk soul brother

Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?

Therapist: let go of my collar

[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!

Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues

me, on a business trip calling my kids on my last night: how was your day?

6: it was good, but tomorrow is going to be great!

me: aw, because I’m coming home?

6: because it’s “dress like a winter animal day”

“How can I improve my cooking skills?”

Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone

Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]

Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses

RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on

On average, my tweets demonstrate I’m probably good at something else

BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add

People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.

“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign

My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me

When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.

I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye

I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.

i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took

*holds boombox over my head outside your window

Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?

the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles

This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies