Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.

Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!

You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.

Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.

Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣

saying “eat the rich”

-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibal

saying “ok boomer”

-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy

therapist: what’s your greatest fear

me: randomly going blind

therapist: i see

me: but for how long?

oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog

Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.

Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago

Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:

1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.

[mcdonalds]

me: two marijuanas please

employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru

me: two McMarijuanas please

Please do it!

Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face

Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*

My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*

More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.

When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”

I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.

Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you

I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?

After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.

i want the dreams to chase me for once

[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND

Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.

*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.

*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!

“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!

~Vodka

[first date]

ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?

Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk

Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?

Me: Apples!

*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*

Maths meets science