Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics

if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you

Kidnapper: we have your wife

Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!

today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage

It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.

Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people

Clown: How many uncomfortably?

I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.

Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval

Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.

[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it

when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:

my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home

Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?

Husband: Yes. We had more money.

sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.

I don’t usually post things like this on here but,

My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.

I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.

So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.

Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd

*visiting Egypt*

“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”

“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.

I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.

never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them

If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?

My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!

Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…

Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:

1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power

dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out

Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…

Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.

“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”

“Relax, grandma.”

*furiously knits a condom*

“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”

If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips

The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.