Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
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I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
#TopTip
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.