Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
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I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday