Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related

you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.

I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents

Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap

I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago

The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”

So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man

If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.

When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.

A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.

Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things

Also me:

6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.

7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?

My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house

I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.

Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.

*Licking my plate clean

Girlfriend)You still have to wash that

Me)This house is a prison

Researching blood spatter patterns to make tonight’s Shelf Elf display as technically accurate as possible

Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.

My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.

it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw

Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent

I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share

I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.

But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.

jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale

[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?

My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is

I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.

“She’d do the same for me”, he said.

Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.

“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’