Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave

age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home

age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.

Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them

pirate: walk the plank

me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol

pirate: *drops sword* dad?

Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?

Me: the hospital.

Wife: what happened?

Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.

Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.

Me:

Wife:

Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.

I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.

Nobody:

Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family

Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.

I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂

wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”

I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.

According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.

If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.

They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light

When you’re here for the treats.

This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀

GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language

BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand

BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent

if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS

I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one

You may hate the thought of moles, warts and skin tags but after a while, they grow on you.

friend: wanna see a magic trick

person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you

My family likes to play this game called “let’s leave dry fucking toothpaste in the sink until it hardens and we need dynamite just to remove it”

“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off

I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.

My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.

Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.

*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*

friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too

I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.