#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
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3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
(yawn)
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
*limbos under the caution tape
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this