@artcarlson

#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.

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@Izianikapani

“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.

@simoncholland

Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.

@NapVeg

god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]

@Jarhead44

Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.

@HomeWithPeanut

Did you know?

A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.

And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.

@SteveSuckington

[at adoption agency]

“Why do you think you’d be a good fit for adoption?”

*cut to a baby mowing my lawn*

“I just love kids”

@schumoo

Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.

Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.

@causticbob

I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”

Then when people ask me what it means…

@mrjohndarby

went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw

@AtticusFinch79

[first date]

ME:

HIM:

*20 minutes later*

ME: how about we text each other

HIM: *already typing*