‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
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Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
When ur friends with white people
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
you will never know the true number of layers
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”
Me: “Are you driving or walking?”
Man: “Driving.”
Me: “That would be the quickest way.”
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.