‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
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My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Never ghost your hitman.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”