‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys

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If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?

You go home because it’s your favorite one being used

Math is easy


ME: I promise it will be different this time

THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*


People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.


Netflix: Are you still there?

Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?


GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.


*on a date about to propose*
Date: Oh I saw the funniest jif the other day…
Me: *sliding ring back into pocket*


Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.


My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.


*Jesus looks over bill from last supper*
“It looks like a fair tip would be about 30 silver.”
“I got this!” Judas yells, almost too quickly.