Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
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Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous