‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys

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So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you


Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?

(takes off rubber glove)

“You can pull up your pants now.”


“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”

(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003


Bro. It’s not ladies man, it’s ladies’ man. Chicks dig a dude who can navigate a plural possessive.


Mufasa didn’t die, he just went out for a pack of smokes and a newspaper.

– The Lyin’ King


Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.


The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.

So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.


You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.


just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait