If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
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A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
what’s the point then??
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick