@professorkiosk

Games are for those who like to restrict themselves arbitrarily to certain actions for a specified period of time in the hopes of “winning.”

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@Muath_tu

I believe in “you’re stupid” at first sight.

@Laser_Cat

If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.

@SladeWentworth

What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.

What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.

@CindyMeakin

I’m just a girl, standing in my kitchen, forgetting what I came in here for.

@abbycohenwl

Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*

@Bunnydurden

I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.

@causticbob

If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.