Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!

KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.

[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED

“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”

I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”

😂😂

Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon

Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof

Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad

Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching

Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi

Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

[At a Christening]

Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.

Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.

Her: What are you thinking about right now?

Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss

*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*

“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.

[mission]

CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?

ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work

CMDR: What? Let me see

ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink

Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.

Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot

M: I just can’t find the words.

H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.

*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*

I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu

I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.

Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.

Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.

The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.

Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time

Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.

me: my night terrors are getting worse

therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?

[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]

m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing

There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.

Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house

[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?

We need it on priority