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@surrealvehicle: [Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I'll check mate.
@Lisabug74: I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
@chuuew: ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
@ddsmidt: I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
@com3t0think0fit: Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
Me: Not today Satan.