[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
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if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
There is no “we” in pizza
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.