Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore

[christmas dinner]

me:

extended family member:

me:

extended family member:

me:

Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”

Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.

I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night

Me: I should eat fewer carbs this year

The Universe: Your house is made of gingerbread now.

If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.

Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one

can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture

My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.

I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him

I’m not ready for this.

[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”

yeah nice try. not falling for that again

Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.

*When you can teleport through your phone*

Hello! Can you here me?

*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*

Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.

Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.

Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.

Me: Leave the military out of this.

just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do

“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”

*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.

My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.

I said “Happy”

Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.

Ooh I do like a good funnel

embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together

[being haunted]

Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*

Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that

Me:

Ghost:

Me: you know what being haunted is fine

[at therapist]

I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible

Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?

me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards

cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok

God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?

Cat:

God:

Cat:

God: *creates dogs*

Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter

Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.

When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.

I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.

Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?

Me: Never

Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.

Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.