[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
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Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.