Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up

hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names

I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.

“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”

That’ll be $2.60

“with egg”

$7.78

NVM no egg

$17.83

“What?”

[at gun point] give us ur wallet

Twitter: she’s on to us

Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you

Twitter: I’m just an app

Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh

*watches nature documentary*

*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*

If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.

Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.

The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.

Me: Can you bring back Prince?

Genie: I can’t bring people back.

Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?

Genie: Who was that dead guy again?

Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.

*performs CPR on the turkey*

Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One

I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.

Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.

It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.

I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.

Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.

I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.

I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???

[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]

This is bullshit.

Always a metermaid never a meter

I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.

Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.

Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.

*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just beat the room for being black.

*drops mic, gets beat by security*

Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-

-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall

me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete

dracula: vie

me: for a crossword puzzle

I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.

I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.

If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”